Journey of a lifetime- Part 1

I am on Sabbatical. Two days ago, I left my home in South Carolina and headed west. I am currently at my bestie’s house in Fort Worth, TX but will be leaving here soon to continue my journey. For the past decade, my life has been filled with incredibly painful events and beautiful, joyous occasions. My marriage fell apart, my mom died, my youngest son told me I had battered women’s syndrome throwing me into a spiral of self-examination and realization I had been emotionally abused, I’ve lost family and friends through death and betrayal, endured a hurricane, sold and bought a home, my oldest son got married to an absolutely beautiful woman inside and out, my youngest son is moving out next month transferring to UGA, and so much more! It’s been busy- both the good kind of busy and the bad.       

During all of this, I have found peace in so many aspects of my life. My life really is good and beautiful and occasionally hard, but I have struggled in finding me and who God is to me now. I have dreamed of a solo cross-country trip since I was a teenager, but then it was always about running, about getting away from the hard parts of life. At heart, in the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn options, I’m a flight. I would prefer to run. Ten years ago, when I found out about my ex-husband’s cheating, I desperately wanted to run, to flee. Now, I no longer want to run, I love my life. My boys are happy and doing so much better than I ever dreamed. I adore my new little house that’s so easy to keep clean. I have a job I love with a boss that is the absolute best (she let me take a month off for this trip!). I don’t want to run, but I do need to find.

I grew up in a very legalistic Christian home, with purity culture at its peak. The God I knew was constantly watching me, waiting to punish me for every wrong I did. He was not the God of love, He was the God of anger and disappointment. I made some wrong decisions based on fear of punishment, much like many girls and women of this era. I didn’t know the God of love, I was taught to fear Him. I was ordered to love Him, but never knew how to love a God I was also scared of. When life became a mess a decade ago, I started learning about the God of love. I have seen Him answer my prayers in a way much bigger and better than I asked, I have felt him comfort me when I was completely alone. But I still struggle with the God I believed in for the first four plus decades of my life. I struggle with consistently believing He loves me and who He is to me now.

So, my sabbatical is not about running. I don’t need to run, but I do need to find. I need to find who I am now and who God truly is. I just don’t believe that God is up there waiting to punish me for every wrong and every sin. But I do believe that He loves me, and I’m determined to find that and, in the process, learn how to love God in a way that’s not based in fear.