Eleven months ago, I decided to make my fiftieth year, the year of me. It’s been a very eye-opening year, and I’ve had to face some hard truths. I think the biggest one has been that I allowed the man I dated (let’s call him Dan) to manipulate me. For a short time, I wanted to live in the fantasy he created. It was never meant to be a relationship, and I wanted the temporary escape.
My life was hard when I met him. I had been divorced just six months from an abusive marriage, I was the only caretaker of my then fifteen-year-old son (my ex never exercised his visitation and had actively alienated both of our boys), my mom had just died, and there were some family issues soon after her death. My reality was hard, and I was so tired of hard. I wanted an escape from all that! Dan love-bombed me for months and brought me into his fantasy world, he gave me that escape.
I didn’t really believe that Dan was a victim. I didn’t really believe that he had never been truly loved and accepted as he was. I didn’t really believe that all the things that had gone wrong in his life were not his fault. I didn’t really believe his stories he told me, but I desperately wanted to! That’s my mistake and my fault! I excused his words and behaviors as just being over-dramatic and that he was just over-sensitive. I let all the little lies that I caught him in slide by because I didn’t want the fantasy to end. I didn’t want to deal with my reality, nor did I want to believe the truth that he is not a good person.
So, I lied to myself so that I could stay in this fantasy, I ignored my intuition, I ignored his passive aggressive behaviors of stone walling, the silent treatment, forgetfulness, blaming me in all situations, and so much more! I ignored it because I wasn’t ready to deal with all the work it takes to completely change my life, not just small changes, but the big stuff! I didn’t want to leave lala land because the only place left to go was into reality.
When I discovered Dan was on dating sites and confronted him, he sobbed and cried like a little kid in trouble. He was so upset he couldn’t breathe and needed comforting. Once again, a victim. I remember just watching him and feeling a huge sense of relief. I finally had a way out without having to deal with his anger or abuse. It was the same feeling I had dealing with my ex-husband’s affair. I could finally escape without being blamed. I was being smacked in the face with reality.
For years, maybe decades, all I have wanted is peace. I don’t want a roller coaster or chaos or drama, I just want peace in my life. In my marriage, my peace was taken from me. After my divorce, so much was going on I didn’t even know how to find it. For a while, during the relationship with Dan, I thought I was on my way there. I had found so much healing in my Celebrate Recovery group and had worked so hard to deal with the abuse in marriage, that I was beginning to finally feel like my life was my own. I think because my life was so much calmer than in my marriage, I thought that was peace. But peace is not just a temporary feeling, and Dan was slowly taking it from me, creating problems and chaos on an ever-increasing scale.
The realization that I allowed Dan to play the victim and fed into his delusions all so I could have an escape, was incredibly hard to face. It would be so much easier to just blame him- he did lie and manipulate me into a relationship with him. But I wanted the fantasy to be real, so I just ignored my intuition. That’s on me. I didn’t necessarily know I was walking away from reality, but I did know that I didn’t believe all the things he said, not deep down. I knew there was something wrong, I just didn’t want to believe it, and I paid a price for that.
So, reality is where I stay. No more lala land, no more fantasy, no more ignoring people’s true character- no matter who they are! Yes, reality is hard, but true peace is only found in reality.
Finding The Good 