Perfect Love

It’s been one year since I discovered that the man I was in a relationship with was also dating another woman. One year since I began my trip down a rabbit hole trying to figure out what had happened and what kind of man I had been seeing. One year since I began the journey of discovery of what my life had really been. One year since I began my journey to truth, peace, and to the realization of how blessed I truly am, and how much I am loved.

I have spoken before of how all that I have gone through has led me to realize that God really does love me so much more than I had realized. Yesterday, I had another big ah-ha moment when I was listening to a podcast on my way to work that has men and woman talking about how they escaped abusive (emotionally and physically) and narcissistic relationships. The one I heard yesterday was a woman who went through such horrific emotional turmoil and when she finally decided to get out, it turned very ugly. Her partner manipulated and threatened her to the point she feared for her life. Her dad came to rescue her during a blizzard and had terrible car accident on the way that nearly killed him. She feels terrible guilt for putting him in harm’s way. I was so deeply blessed by God that both of my abusive partners (my ex husband and the man after him) moved on to new women, new supply, and let me go without a battle. They complained, they threatened, they tried to manipulate, but with their main attention focused elsewhere there was no follow through! They had already discarded me emotionally and they were all talk with no time or energy to take any action aimed at me. I got to leave peacefully. I lost some possessions, some money, and some pride, but nothing that genuinely mattered. I have happy kids, I have peace, and I have the knowledge that I am so incredibly blessed and loved by God.

I spent decades trying to be worthy of love. I worked so hard to be perfect for not just man’s love, but also God’s love. My head knew he loved me, but I didn’t understand it in my heart. I did all the right things trying to make sure I stayed in God’s good graces, so he would still love me. I was taught a God of anger and wrath and to fear him. I thought that meant if I messed up, I would be horribly punished and unloved. I did all the right things, reading my Bible, going to church, praying every day, but because I was doing them in fear to prove my love to God, I wasn’t getting the benefit of God’s actual love. I wasn’t seeing that all of those things are not so I can prove MY love TO God, but are done so God can show me HIS love. The scriptures are not read for God, they are read for me! They are so I can read about God’s love for me. Prayer is not just so God can hear how much I love him, it’s so he can speak to our hearts and I can feel how much he loves me! God took drastic measures to prove his love for me. I endured way more than he ever intended because I was trying so hard to love him and prove it to him, that I missed his love for me. If I had seen it and felt it and accepted it earlier, I never would have thought the things I endured in my relationships were love. I never would have accepted the bare minimum, I never would have accepted false promises and manipulations. I would never have been confused as to what love really looks like. God got me out and took all I went through to show me authentic, true, and perfect love.

Some people never get out, they never truly know God’s love for them. They stay miserable, feeling alone, unwanted, and unloved. They live their lives being someone they’re not, trying to maintain an unattainable level of perfection that’s required for the type of love they’re in. They’re trying so hard to make something work that never will. I got out. I no longer have to live my life for someone else. I get to live my own life. God blessed me with a chance to live my authentic self, not the self that works so hard to just have a small sliver of love and acceptance. He blessed me with abundant love. He’s blessed us all with abundant love, you just have to believe it.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. ~1 John 4:18