My youngest son and I recently came back from a vacation to the west coast. We were gone for two weeks visiting San Francisco and then going hiking in some of the National Parks. We went to Yosemite, Redwood, and Crater Lake. We had the most amazing time, and I came back not just refreshed, but with some life changing insights also.
I have dreamed of going to see the massive Redwoods for decades! It was the very first thing I put on my bucket list. They were everything I had dreamed they would be- majestic, inspiring, and overwhelmingly beautiful. In fact, the entire trip felt like that. I was in awe with every single place we went. By the time we were done, ending at Crater Lake, I felt so small physically, but so full of emotions that I was nearly bursting! My God has made the most amazing, wonderful world.
While sitting at the top of Sentinel Dome in Yosemite, I looked around at the massive stone mountains and felt overwhelmed at the sheer size of the place. I was just a tiny spot in this giant of a place. Standing in the middle of a grove of Redwoods, looking up over three hundred feet to find the tops of the trees that were 2000 years old, I was just an insignificant moment in time. Looking across Crater Lake at the bluest, clearest water I had ever seen, I was amazed that the same God that created such beauty also made little ole me. I was overflowing with emotions of awe and gratitude. God felt me worthy enough to be in the midst of His creation. He wanted me to see this, He wants us all to see what He can do and who He is.
I have struggled with who I am. I have struggled with separating the parts of me that are truly me and the parts that are a result of abuse and trauma. As I learn more about me, who I am and who I’m not, I’ve realized that God didn’t create us to live in unhappiness. He created a world filled with beauty to bring us joy. This world is designed to fill us with awe of not just His might and power, but also of His great love for us. He designed us with purpose, just as he designed the mountains, trees, and waters with purpose. We are not accidents; we are created to mirror the love and beauty of God so others can find it and experience it, also. We can’t do that if we are miserable and unhappy. We can’t do that if we’re pretending to be something we’re not. We can’t do that if we are living a false, inauthentic life.
One of the things my son and I did on our trip to Crater Lake was hike down the crater and take a boat to Wizard Island, the smaller volcano that created an island in the middle the lake. We split up when we got there, he hiked to the top of the volcano, and I hiked to the bay. We then met up at the dock to swim. While on my hike, I enjoyed the quiet and beauty that was all around me. At least until I came across a couple a little older than me arguing on the trail. You could tell she was tired and needed to rest. He was just walking ahead of her, not caring that she was slowing down. She asked him if they could rest for a bit and just enjoy the view and he said in an unkind tone that he was going to keep going, but she could stop. She was clearly upset, but she smiled at me as I walked past her. Outwardly I smiled at her and told her she should stop and look at the beautiful view, but inwardly I was recalling the numerous times I had been in her place, walking behind rather than beside my partner. Him rushing along rather than enjoying the journey with me. I saw the sadness on her face, and it reminded me of how I felt so alone during my marriage. Later on, they were at the dock sitting far apart and barely speaking to each other.
There was another couple also on the island with us that I met at the bay. They were from Oregon and were going to Georgia in a couple months, so we exchanged information about must-sees in both areas. Later at the dock, they were clearly in an argument. When we all went to get on the boat, there weren’t two seats together for them and he sat down behind us, and she sat down beside me. I heard the tremble in her voice as she asked him if this was ok, and she repeatedly said she was sorry that she couldn’t get two seats together. He just ignored her bids to try to make things right, even though the seating wasn’t her fault. I just wanted to tell her that she didn’t need to apologize for things out of her control just to attempt to pacify him. Again, I was reminded of feeling like anything that went wrong was my fault and my responsibility to fix.
We were in this amazingly beautiful location and people were still unhappy. They couldn’t enjoy all that was around them. God’s love and beauty were completely surrounding us and still all people can see is hurt and sadness. As I watched and listened to these couples, I realized how thankful I am that I no longer feel broken and frustrated while on vacation or at home. I am no longer made to feel like I’m not enough. I am so grateful that I finally realized that God wants me to find joy in my life, He wants me to be happy. He doesn’t want me to be abused or controlled. I am so appreciative to my God that set me free from the bondage I was in.
The second day we were home from the trip, I had a very sudden realization that I am happy-really, truly happy. Not just moments of happiness, but there is joy in my life. Life is still hard, but it’s peaceful and good. Probably the best it’s ever been. I still don’t fully know who I am, I still don’t know my purpose here, but I do finally know there’s peace in the uncertainty. My faith that God can make it all good is not based on the certainty of my future, it’s based on the trust that God is good, and He loves me and wants what’s best for me.
As I went to each location, I was so grateful for God bringing me there and showing it to me. As I watched chipmunks play, leaves blow in the wind, and listened to the waves of the ocean, I thanked God over and over again for showing me how beautiful the world can be. The key to joy is to be grateful, for not just the good, but also the bad. If I hadn’t gone through all the things I did, I wouldn’t have learned how good things can be. I wouldn’t have learned so much about myself and my past. I wouldn’t have learned how much God loves me and wants good for me.
I know I still have very far to go and much more to learn, but I also know I can be content with wherever it is God wants me. I can be content with the uncertainty of not knowing because if I try to control the outcome, then I don’t have faith that He has me covered. The reality is that life is filled with uncertainty and faith is found in that uncertainty. We can’t control anything or anyone but ourselves. We can’t keep waiting for someone to make the changes they have promised or to stop doing things that hurt us. We can’t keep hoping and not doing. Faith is moving forward without the answers, and sometimes it’s walking away from the things keeping us from moving forward. It’s stepping out into the unknown and trusting that God has your back. It’s a life lived in reality instead of a fantasy where you pretend everything and everyone is good; where you pretend YOU are good.
I still struggle with feeling unworthy and unloved. I’m still working on some of my triggers and my reactions to them. I’m still going to get sad, sometimes have anxiety, and I may struggle forever with feeling like I have to overexplain myself and every action I make to others. My trauma and responses to it are still a work in progress, but two weeks just enjoying the world God created got me farther along in my healing than all the overthinking I had been doing. Life may be uncertain, but God’s love and faithfulness is not. And as long as I can be grateful for that, I’ll find joy.
Finding The Good 