Lately I’ve been so incredibly emotional. It’s like it’s finally sunk in that I am free of all the control, abuse, and manipulation. I’m not having to be a grown man’s mother, therapist, and maid. I don’t have to listen to a grown man complain, whine, or berate me over some perceived grievance. I don’t have to explain myself or my feelings constantly. I don’t have to have to walk on eggshells every day because his mood changes by the minute. I don’t have to gauge his mood to see if it’s safe to bring up any negative issues. I don’t have to overthink everything I say or do to make sure it won’t cause any backlash. I don’t have to monitor a phone or socials to make sure he’s not cheating. I don’t have to make sure everything is perfect. I don’t have to make sure I’m perfect!
No one is going to make me do anything I don’t want to do, or stop me from doing what I want. I can eat what I want. I can watch what I want. I can buy what I want. I can go where I want. I can say what I want. I’m not worried that something I do or say is going to cause a two hour circular conversation or a blank stare like he doesn’t understand English. If I cry, there’s no one to tell me I should think about how it makes him feel, and then I end up comforting him. If I’m happy, no one tries to bring me down. If I dance around the house, no one makes fun of me. If I watch TV, no one tells me the stuff I need to be doing instead.
I truly can not explain how freeing it is to be allowed to be your own person when you’ve spent nearly your whole adult life making yourself small, so that the man who claims to love you doesn’t get angry and take it out on you in some form. This past week I bought a mini chainsaw and cut down a six foot bush. I also replaced the dryer vent hose when it blew out. And one night, when I got home after dark, I had to climb out on the front porch roof and unclog the gutter. There were also some car problems I had to deal with. Was I happy that I had to do all this myself? Not really, but when I finished each task I was incredibly proud. As my best friend says, “We can do hard things.”
So, this past week was hard, but it’s as if doing these things opened up something inside of me to allow me to finally believe that I am ok, I am good. I have cried in bed, in the shower, and in the car; because at long last, I feel like it’s safe to be myself. I can finally live my life for me and not for someone else. I am better than good. I am free!
My chains are gone, I’ve been set free.
Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone)
My God, my Savior has ransomed me.
And like a flood His mercy reigns.
Unending love, Amazing grace.
Song by Chris Tomlin
Finding The Good 
Reading all the bondage you have had to endure and did endure, I would be crying so many happy tears that I am set free too. It definitely would feel so good not to leave in fear of so many things; the lack of love and having to walk on egg shells 24-7. I am so happy for you and you deserve so much more!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much for this! In the midst of either toxic relationship I didn’t realize how bad it was. The sporadic, small amounts of love and attention (bread crumbing) they gave me kept me invested and hopeful things could be good again. The quiet and peace that has come recently has really allowed me to feel how much I kept myself on guard. It feels so good to not have to overthink everything in my life!
LikeLike
love this & I am very happy you have found peace & healing.
LikeLiked by 1 person