“There is an epidemic of not being seen….It’s more and more difficult to stand out. It’s more and more difficult to be special, more and more difficult to be unique. We are not seen.”
~Sam Vaknin
We live in world of so many lost people who are not being seen. I know many women who feel like I did, that they are not seen for who they are, but more for what they can provide or do. I grew up in church, in a very legalistic environment. I didn’t realize until recently how much this harmed me and my opinions of myself. I was told who I would be- a good girl who didn’t cuss or have pre-marital sex, a girl who was completely obedient and made the right choices, a wife who would be faithful and follow her husband, a wife who would allow him to lead and make the choices while I did the womanly things, a mom who did all the caretaking and emotional labor, and a woman who would make sure that my needs were minimal, and I was as perfect as I could possibly be so all those around me were comfortable and happy. The expectations were impossible to reach, but I was determined to try.
So, I worked hard to be all these things and more. I wanted to make sure that not only my husband, kids, friends, and family saw me as perfect, but God did also. I wanted to make sure that God had reason to love me and be proud of me. This made me a prime target for someone who was looking for a caretaker who would jump into the role of mommy and meet all his needs and wants so he never had to grow up and live his own life. A man who could focus only on what he wanted to do and I would do everything else for him.
Narcissists see their target in an idealized form. When they meet someone that gives them the admiration and attention that they long for, they put that person on a pedestal and see them as perfect. For a time, that person can do no wrong, they are seen as the most perfect partner. My ex put me on a pedestal and I worked for years to stay on it, because it made me feel seen in a way I had never been seen before. But nothing about that was real, it was fabricated, it was a fantasy. I tried so hard to remain that perfect person, not only for him, but also for God because that’s what I was taught. I was to strive to be like Jesus, perfect and without sin.
Throughout my marriage as I was continually abused, I was told it was my fault, I was the problem. I knew I wasn’t perfect enough and I was being punished for it. I longed to be back on that pedestal that made me feel seen and known, so I worked harder to meet his expectations. It was never enough, because the problem was not my lack of perfection, it was a disorder deep within him that didn’t allow him to face his own problems and insecurities. It was his own trauma response that made him lack empathy for others and care only for his own desires.
So here I am now, realizing I spent the majority of my adult life being married to a man who didn’t see me as I was, only as how he wanted me to be. A man who needed me to be perfect and when I wasn’t, punished me for it. A man who thought that if I was less than perfect, then I must be worthless. The sad part is I thought this was normal. My twisted beliefs had me thinking for a time that I WAS worthless and unlovable if I messed up or did something wrong.
She gave this name to the Lord who spoke to her: “You are the God who sees me,” for she said, “I have now seen the One who sees me.”~ Genesis 16:13
It has been a hard realization that I spent so many years not being seen for who I really am- not being understood, not being heard, and not being known. For those of you that understand that feeling, that hurt, that you are not seen as you- an imperfect being still worthy of love, a person with your own thoughts, ideals, desires, and dreams- you are not alone. There are so many of us that were not taught the God of love. We were frightened into being something we are not and striving for the impossible. It may not have been the intention to scare young people into being good, but for many of us that is exactly how it felt. We were either as perfect as possible or ruined and worthless.
But God knows we are imperfect and loves us anyway. He created us and knows exactly who we are. We are exactly as He created us to be. Our sins, mistakes, and imperfections will only lead us closer to Him if we just allow it. What we go through in life shapes us and leads us to the person He sees in us. What I have gone through has all led me on a path to realizing that I am being seen by Him. I may not have been seen and known by my husband, but I am seen and known by my Creator. My God does not desire perfection, He knows that is not attainable. He desires my faith and trust that He knows me and knows what is best for me. He loves me, He hears me, and He SEES me like no other can. I may long for being seen and understood here on earth, but my eternity will be with the one who sees me best.
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If you haven’t listened to or read podcasts, videos, or books by Sam Vaknin, I highly recommend it. He is not only a diagnosed narcissist, but a leading expert on narcissism. He can explain this personality disorder with an understanding like no one else can. He provides clarity to those who have been victimized by a narcissist and also brings awareness and understanding to those who need it for themselves or a loved one.
Finding The Good 