I’ve been thinking about what I wrote in my last post. I think that it’s not that I didn’t love myself, but maybe something much deeper.
Before I met my now ex husband, I was very happy, independent, and genuinely looking forward to following my dreams and making the most of my life. I was very young, naive, and innocent, but I didn’t lack love for myself back then.
What I did struggle with was guilt, even at a young age. Whenever I misstepped in any way or said the wrong thing, I felt incredible guilt. I would think about it for days, months, even years! There are some things I still felt guilty about decades later. They didn’t even have to be big things. I could apologize if it involved me wronging someone and I could ask God for forgiveness, but I would still beat myself up about it for a very long time.
I also struggled with enforcing boundaries. I had boundaries, I just didn’t know what to do when they were tested. If someone I loved crossed the line, I allowed it. The line was moved. Over time, that line no longer even existed.
Both of these things created the perfect environment for emotional abuse in a relationship. That abuse shut me down and I lost who I was. My sense of guilt, the lack of boundary enforcement, and the emotional abuse in which I was being blamed for anything that went wrong meant that I was constantly feeling guilty. The kids were too loud, the movie I picked was bad, dinner wasn’t good enough, or even just I spoke at the wrong time. I was carrying way too much guilt because nothing I did was right and I was constantly feeling bad about how imperfect I was.
This was not a lack of love for myself, it was a lack of love for the person I had become. I was no longer the happy, independent, full of life person I had been. I had stuffed that girl down because she was constantly being hurt. I protected her with someone I didn’t recognize. I had become a woman who no longer had big dreams for her life and was insecure about who she was. I had lost the ambition and drive that keeps one growing.
Once I became fully aware of the abuse in my marriage and I began dealing with the aftermath of it, I began to see glimpses of the young woman that I recognized. I found that courage I had when I was younger and removed myself and my boys from the abuse. I was once again starting to feel like my old self and looking forward to what the future would hold. The most recent relationship caused a little setback in bringing back the old me. That relationship reignited my insecurities and guilt because I was once again being made to feel like it was my job to make sure my partner was happy. It was my job to walk on eggshells and sacrifice whatever I needed to make sure my partner lived his perfect life. This brought back those feelings of dislike for who I was. I feel so very blessed that God did not allow me to go back down that road. He gave me the awareness to see what was happening and the courage to call it out and get out.
Now as have begun to peel back my layers even further, I am realizing I am still the girl who loved herself and her life. She is older and wiser and a lot less trusting, but she still has the same values and desires. I am still the same girl deep down, I just need to feel secure enough to bring her back. I need to trust myself enough to allow her a chance at life again.
So, my lack of love for myself is not really the problem. It’s my lack of sense of security, my lack of trust in others and myself, and my struggle to forgive myself for allowing my sense of self to be stifled. It’s not that I don’t love my strengths, it’s that I have trouble seeing them because they were made small by partners who were intimidated by them. Or maybe it’s because I have new, different strengths with all I’ve gone through and I’m still looking for the old ones. Maybe the core of who I am is still the same, but I’ve grown and I don’t recognize grown version of me, so I need to learn to love this new person.
All I know now is that I loved the young girl I was. I loved her then and I love her now. She didn’t get to grow up to be what she dreamed she would, but she’s still growing, so maybe she still can.
In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice;
in the morning I lay my requests before you
and wait expectantly. ~Psalm 5:3
Finding The Good 