Fortitude

I beat myself up for a bit about being fooled again by a man who was manipulating me. It was the realization that I once again put my trust in someone who was just lying to me that made me so angry at myself. I really thought I had worked through the biggest bulk of what made me accept that behavior before.

I felt tricked again and this time I had let myself be tricked. The truth is I saw some red flags early on, but I let them pass because they didn’t seem nearly as bad as what I went through in the past. When things gradually got worse, I called him out for trying to gaslight me, lie, or project his behaviors onto me. The problem is I didn’t view those things as reasons to walk away and stay away! I ended things with this partner a few times telling him I deserved better, but I always got love bombed back in. I had been so brainwashed in the past that the right words could make me believe things would be better. Instead of trying to work on those things with him, I should have ended things and walked away for good. I knew he was broken, yet I thought I could help him. This is what made me so upset with myself, this desire to heal him rather than protect myself.

With some prayer, reflection, and wise friends, I have now come to some realizations. First, I didn’t just take his abuse attempts, I refused to cower, I refused to let him blame me for his choices, I refused to accept his behaviors as being okay. I was vocal. I had a voice I didn’t really have in my marriage. I remember telling him once that I was the prize. He asked me who I had been talking to and I said myself. He was so angry that I saw my own value. Second, I recognized the behaviors as being wrong, unhealthy, and sometimes downright cruel. I may not have left quite as soon as I should have, but I also didn’t think what he was doing was normal, unlike my thinking in my marriage. Third, our actual relationship as a couple was only about 4-5 months, even though we were seeing each other regularly for a couple years before that. Before we committed, his tactics were much more covert and not outright abusive and I thought they were fixable. It was so subtle for a long time. It wasn’t until we were official that the control and manipulating came on full force and once it did, I recognized it immediately.

Most importantly, God used this to reveal to me the work I still need to do on myself. As a wise friend told me, if I wasn’t growing, this new layer I need to work on would not have been revealed to me. I had learned in my marriage that this kind of behavior is wrong and abusive, but now I needed to learn it’s ok to walk away without helping someone. This is my biggest problem. I don’t like to leave people hurting or in need. But it’s not my job to save them, that’s God’s job. I’m not nearly big enough to take that on! My job is to heal me so I don’t view someone else’s hurts as my job to heal. My job is to heal me so that I can recognize and walk away from even the most subtle signs of an abuser. My job is to heal me so that I won’t settle for less than I am worth.

My youngest son told me the other day that I have fortitude. I thought it basically meant strength, that I’m emotionally strong, but I decided to look up the definition. The correct definition is courage in pain or adversity. I don’t think I’ve ever been given a more beautiful compliment.