I have been hard-pressed fo find a name for how I feel about what I went through in this last relationship. I had been using the word sad, but that didn’t feel quite right. Angry yes, but I know anger is just a broad word we use for many emotions. Angry by itself just didn’t feel strong enough to describe what I went through and how I feel about it. A few days ago, I figured it out. I am humiliated. That word encompasses everything I am feeling- ashamed, disrespected, hurt, embarrassed, and angry. And all of those emotions are turned towards me, not him. Yes, he is the one at fault, but I am following my old patterns I was taught of internalizing it and feeling it for myself instead of realizing I have nothing to feel humiliated for.
I trusted and loved a man who I believed to be honest, kind, vulnerable, and loyal. All things that he projected to me and those around me as being true. I honestly did not understand that someone could open up about their life, their dreams, and their hurts and none of it be true. He opened up about choices he had made in the past and how he had learned from them. My ex-husband never could talk about anything he had learned from his poor choices, so this seemed real to me. But it was all just a projection of my own ideals. He knew what he needed to say to get me to trust him. He used my previous trauma as a road map to manipulate me. It was done so cunningly and covertly I never saw it coming. I was hooked before I ever had a chance to see who he really was.
That fake vulnerability is so dangerous. It makes us want to cover them in love and acceptance, especially when they’ve supposedly never had that before. Faking that you are the injured rather than the abuser is so cruel. Lying or even just withholding the truth about who you are just so you can trick someone into a relationship is malicious and selfish. Using someone’s compassion and kindness for your own personal gain is downright evil.
Finding the correct word to describe how I feel is very important to my healing. If I can’t describe it correctly, then how do I work through it? When I used the word sad, I was dealing with my issues from a place of sorrow. I thought I had sorrow for the loss of my relationship and for the man who used me. I needed to find the correct word to figure out that I had internalized the blame rather than placing it where it belonged, on him. I didn’t have any reason to have sadness for him or our relationship because I am not sad it’s over, I am not sad he’s gone. I know that he is unhealthy and an abuser. My life is definitely better without him. I am disappointed in myself for allowing him to humiliate me. That’s what I need to work on! I shouldn’t be disappointed in myself, I should be disappointed in him. He chose to be a selfish, unkind person, he chose to manipulate and gaslight, he chose to be an abuser. There is no reason for me to internalize the shame HE should be feeling.
Pinpointing the exact emotion of how we feel can dramatically improve healing. If I had continued down a path of sadness, I would have kept feeling empathy for a man who does not deserve it. I would prolong my healing by feeling an emotion completely wrong for my circumstances. I am allowed to feel disrespected, angry, hurt, and embarrassed, but what I can not do is place those emotions on myself. They need to be placed on the person who did the disrespecting, who got angry for no reason, who hurt me, and who embarrassed me privately and publicly. He should feel ashamed, not me. He may have humiliated me, but that says way more about his character than mine.
Walking away from an abusive relationship is so difficult. If you have never experienced it, then you truly will not understand. It changes you. You lose your sense of self, your self worth, and even your ability to function on your own. An abuser will alternate between love-bombing and devaluing you, overtly or covertly, until you physically need them. You will feel like you have this deep connection because only you understand them and only they understand you. That connection is contrived and fake. They manipulate it to keep control. Please be kind to the people you can see are being abused in some way, they often have no idea. Be there for them and help them when you can. Sometimes they don’t have anyone else.
Finding The Good 