I have worked hard and been through a lot of pain and tears to learn these lessons. I have had to let go of a lot of my own control issues and the attachment I had to each partner. I’m still working on the attachment with the most recent one. He was the covert narcissist and the conditioning done is very hard to undo. But, without these lessons I would not have learned all I now know about me. I could have spent my entire life thinking I needed to be perfect to be loved and never really seeing and believing that I was worthy of it just as I am. I may have never known how much God longs for me to feel and know His unconditional love for me. I went though some really awful moments and I spent a long time lost wondering where I went, but I have chosen to take what I went through and learn, grow, and move forward.
- He was not good TO me, but he was good FOR me. – This one really applies to my most recent relationship. Just like in my marriage, it wasn’t all bad. There were some really great moments and whole lot of fun. In the beginning, he was so full of life and energy and he truly did help me to find myself again. I rediscovered my love for things I had pretty much given up on during my marriage. He helped me find happiness and joy again. I also learned during this relationship that my intuition isn’t wrong. Years of gaslighting and manipulation had me no longer trusting what I believed to be true. It may have taken me some time, but I slowly began to recognize his manipulations. They may have looked different than my ex-husband’s, but I knew I felt the same inside. I knew what he was doing was wrong. It is so great knowing that I can trust what I feel again.
- He is not my problem and the women he uses and abuses after me are not my responsibility. – This one was hard! Mainly because it means choosing me over someone else. I was conditioned to choose what was best for him, sacrificing my own needs and wants. Both men know what to say to get me to help them or sympathize with them, so overcoming that was difficult, but not impossible. The bigger issue is that not warning or telling their current source of “supply” goes against every caretaker, mothering instinct I have! I want to save them, but that is not my job. My job is to take care of myself and my family first. Talking to the new woman they are using just keeps me in the middle of what I’m trying to heal from. Not to mention, the women wouldn’t believe me anyway. I know I had numerous people tell me over the years that my ex-husband seemed very controlling and I didn’t see it, so I didn’t believe it.
- Being in a relationship with someone who always turns the problem around onto you makes you do a lot of self-reflection. – I have done so much work figuring out why I respond like I do, why I feel like I do, how to feel and process negative emotions in a healthy manner, what I can do to understand others’ pain and hurt in a more productive way for them, to give grace to others, how to set healthy boundaries, how to walk away from those that do not desire good for me and to say goodbye and mean it. I feel like I am a better parent now and hopefully a better friend. The more I learn, the more I want to learn and the more I grow, the more growth I desire.
- There was nothing I could do to make either relationship be a good, healthy relationship. – I could not fix the issues in either relationship, nor could I fix the man. There has to be give and take on both sides, and in these relationships it was all give on my end, and all take on theirs. Narcissists are extremely selfish, they put themselves- their needs AND wants- before those of anyone else, even those they claim to love. Partner, spouse, kids, parents- it doesn’t matter, they will always choose themselves first. I could have been perfect and it still wouldn’t have been enough. Their version of perfect changes constantly depending on their mood, their desires, how hungry they are, and what happened at work that day. I couldn’t anticipate what they would need or want from moment to moment, so I could never change enough to satisfy either of them.
- I am extremely positive by nature. – This can be good and bad. On one hand, I can usually find the good in any situation. On the other, I can usually find the good in any situation. So, even when things are bad, I can put up with a lot of bullshit because I tend to focus on the good. Which leads me to the last one in today’s series…
- Do not assume someone is trustworthy just because you like them and want to trust them! – Do not trust someone just because they seem so open and vulnerable. Do not trust someone just because they seem like such a good person. Watch them! People will talk about the lessons they’ve learned, the way they’ve changed, and the good they’ve done, but are you seeing that in their actions? Do their words match their actions? Quit giving the benefit of the doubt to someone who has shown you doubt. Both of my relationships had little lies in the beginning that I disregarded. I let them pass because I really liked the person I was getting to know. I assumed that deep down inside they were really different than the person they were showing me, because their words said they wanted to be different. And maybe they did want to be different, but that does not matter! Who they are showing you is who they are right now. If they lie at the beginning, they will lie throughout, and the lies will just get bigger and bigger. It might break your heart to end a relationship after a few months or a couple years, but it is better than the heartbreak after two decades of being deceived and learning they were never trustworthy! Trust me, I have now been through both! Don’t let your desire to believe that someone is good overpower what they are actually showing you.
I’ll be back with more as I learn more. Thank you for the encouragement, love, and prayers!
Finding The Good 