UPDATE: I wrote this post before I realized that the man I had been dating was actually a covert narcissist. He was cheating on me and extremely emotionally abusive during this time. When I go back and read this, I realize that my body was telling me to run because it knew I was in an unsafe relationship. I decided not to delete this post because it shows the self reflection and self blame we put on ourselves while in a relationship with an abuser, especially a narcissist. Yes, I have avoidant tendencies, but with very good reason! I ignored my intuition in this relationship, just as I did in my marriage. I ignored the signals my body was giving me that I was being abused. I won’t do that again! Now to the original post:
It’s me, hi. I’m the problem, it’s me.
I had been seeing someone for a little while and we ended things a few weeks ago. I am so very sad over this loss. We had made plans for a future together. Granted, it wasn’t a forever future, but it was for this next year. We were going to spend more time together to see where this might lead. Turns out, it led to ending things.
With the ending, I have been doing a lot of research and soul searching. Attachment styles are a big thing right now and I have found them fascinating. Basically there are three types- anxious, secure, and avoidant. These involve how you relate to a partner and how you deal with perceived problems in the relationship. I’m not going to get into the details here, there’s plenty out there for those who want to learn more.
I had always been a secure attachment style. I wasn’t jealous, I didn’t worry about cheating, I was ok with giving and getting any needed space. I wasn’t scared to express my needs or concerns, nor was I scared to be vulnerable. I feel like I was pretty healthy getting into past relationships and my marriage. After my divorce and later getting into a new relationship, I knew I had some trust issues due to my trauma, but I assumed I was still secure in myself and my partner. Evidently, the cheating, lies, and emotional abuse in my marriage created a completely different dynamic inside me. It turns out I’m not so healthy.
I’ve spent the years since discovering my ex’s affair and the years after the divorce doing a lot of work on myself. But as I learned in my Celebrate Recovery group, we’re like onions. We peel back one layer and there’s another one below to work on. The ending of this current relationship left me searching for the role I played in it being over. I bought the book Attached and took the quiz inside to see where I fit in. Turns out, I am now avoidant. My fierce independence and always leaving myself a way out have nothing to do with boundaries, they are signs that I have trouble committing. Allowing small things to be deal-breakers, pulling away or creating discord when times are good, and my need to escape when things get hard are all signs that I am avoidant. I want to love and be loved, but being vulnerable to possible hurt causes anxiety and fear. Who knew we could love someone, deeply want a future with them, and subconsciously work against them?
So, I guess I know what this next layer to work on involves. I need to find a way to let go of these insecurities that have become ingrained in me. I was in protective mode for so long, that all those coping mechanisms became natural and normal. Now I need to work to let them go. I’ve said that I feel more like myself than I have in a long time, so now it’s time to take another step and get back to being secure. It’s time to relearn that sometimes it’s safe to let my guard down.
As far as that future I was looking forward to, that’s been tough to deal with. The loss of him hurts and the loss of what we planned hurts. That loss of the future is the hardest thing to mourn. It’s not tangible, so it’s hard to place a value on it. Sometimes it seems so stupid to mourn something that hasn’t occurred, but it is still a loss. I will just keep working to better myself and trust that God’s perfect will is going to happen. Whatever He has planned for me will be amazing. And I will keep in mind the two pieces of advice my Dad gave me:
Be true to myself.
Don’t be afraid to make big moves for love.
Finding The Good 